I’ve had feedback conversations go wrong the same way more times than I’d like to admit: I raise something, the other person’s shoulders go up, and from that moment neither of us is really listening. Defensiveness is a normal reaction to feeling threatened, but once it kicks in, nothing useful gets through. Here’s what I’ve learnt about working with it rather than against it.
Don’t match their energy#
When someone gets defensive, my instinct is to get defensive right back. That’s the one move guaranteed to sink the conversation. If I can stay level, the temperature usually comes down on its own. It also helps to acknowledge the feeling out loud — something like “I understand this might be hard to hear” — rather than pretending the tension isn’t there.
Be specific, and own the observation#
Vague feedback reads as an attack on the person; specific feedback is about a behaviour. There’s a big difference between “You always make this mistake” and “I’ve noticed this pattern and think it’s worth addressing.” The second is an “I” statement — it’s my observation, offered from my side, and it leaves room for me to be wrong.
Make it a conversation, not a verdict#
Once the main point has landed, questions work better than statements. “How do you feel about that observation?” gives the other person space to think instead of just react. I also try to say plainly that the point is to help, not to criticise — it sounds obvious, but people can’t read your intent, only your words. Feedback also goes down far easier with a suggested way forward attached, rather than a bare list of problems. And when it fits, I’ll ask how the feedback itself landed. “Was that fair?” balances the conversation and models the openness I’m asking for.
Know when to stop#
Sometimes none of this works and the walls stay up. Pushing harder at that point achieves nothing. It’s fine to park the conversation and come back in a day or two once things have settled — the feedback will still be true tomorrow.
That last one took me the longest to learn.